This site has changed — I don’t think anyone actually reads it unless I link them here anyway, but just in case. A lot of what I write in here is pasted directly (with some edits for formatting) from my online Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. I copy and paste my shares so that I can reflect on them later. They are spontaneous when I write them but I find that there is much significance to them, for me.
I’m going to try to write more things — because writing helps me sort things out.
I’m learning things quickly – almost too quickly.
I’m learning ways in which my childhood has affected me in the present. I’m learning the hurt that it caused. I am learning which of my own behaviors sabotage my present life, and what’s behind them, and hopefully how to change them. I’m scared but hopeful. I think I will be okay, but not in the way that I have been okay. I am starting to think as myself as someone who has an old injury that never healed properly, and that I need to re-break it and feel the pain for awhile so I can properly set it and really heal from it. It’s a long, difficult, painful but also awesome process. I am spending time (in person and online) with amazing people who have been where I’ve been and where I am and have a lot of wisdom to share, but aren’t standing above me in judgement.
I go to a in-person meeting every Monday evening, and it is often overwhelmingly emotional to listen to other’s speak. Some seem to tell my story but through their own lives. And I speak – and I get so nervous I can hear my voice shake – every meeting, and I try to be as honest as I can.
I want to connect with them. I want to feel connected to them.
I know they can not save me but I think I can save myself with their support.
It is not easy. But nothing worth it is.